I think I had some concept that I needed to win an award or something before I could communicate this story- but fuck it- It’s been a pretty good month- I paid off some debt, bought the fancy groceries and still had enough left over to donate to charity and buy a cute new coat. But beyond financial and personal stability- I’ve experienced something that I think you only really achieve by earning it- a deep sense of personal pride and gratitude and the certainty that I have worked hard for the wins I am now having and am in a space to really appreciate them. I have cried tears of joy- almost every day for a month. It feels like after years of looking for a home I have finally found a place to build one- and if you’re looking for a REAL 2009 vs 2019 story, it’s this:

When I came to Nashville to work nonprofit— I left behind a spoiled life of hiking, yoga and multi thousand dollar residual checks. I had a slew of national commercials running and a gig waiting for me at the hottest night club in LA- should I ever need to snag a shift for an easy $1000 night. Nashville was not the hub of acting and film production then that it is now and honestly I’ve been a professional actress my entire life and don’t much have a clue about “normal jobs” (did I mention I never went to college?) A few months into my move- I had burned through all my funds and could no longer afford to ship my car across the country- so the bank took it back. After about a year with no car, in an age before uber (and not enough money for an Uber anyway) a co-worker of mine was selling a scooter and let me make payments on it. FREEEEEEEDOM!!! It was a little blue and white honda metro- so I bought a matching blue and white helmet with stars on it and drove that thing all over town like I was queen of freaking Nashville. I bought a huge ugly green rain suit and rode it in the rain. I rode it long distances on 18 degree days and would sometimes cry for half the trip- or pull over to warm up in a walgreens, cause I was in so much pain from the cold. I even had a rule with my roommates that they weren’t allowed to talk to me in the winter until I “thawed out” because usually when I walked through the door I had been crying for 30 minutes from the cold and was in no condition to talk to people. PS: I don't know if you've ever ridden a tiny scooter around while approaching your thirties and the world around you is buying houses and having babies- but it's humbling fam. And let us not forget the time my scooter was stolen and I had to ride my bike for 3 weeks.

I got fired from my job waiting tables (read that story here) and vowed I would never go back. I started making dresses out of some cheap fabric I stumbled into and thrifted clothing. I remember a time when I had $35 to my name and no food left- I bought $10 worth of groceries and spent the rest on clothing from goodwill so I could upcycle and sell it. “Better I have something I can sell- than food” I figured. I used to do that a lot. When I first started doing little fashion shows- I always thought it was funny that people used to think I was some fancy person. In reality I would stuff handsewn evening gowns into TJ Maxi bags and lay them on the floor of my scooter- and then park far away- so no one would know that this bitch didn’t even own a car.

I tried to start this little fashion company on etsy- and basically made $2 an hour and didn’t sleep for two years. I once messed up on a wedding dress so badly- that the bride had to buy a different dress 2 days before her wedding. I cried a lot and navigated through how to handle clothing returns- when I had already spent the money on food and rent. But funny enough- all my work doing this - led me to my first styling gig. It wasn’t paid of course- but it was gig. Then their was another gig- it also didn’t pay- but I spent 4 days in pre-production and stayed up all night working on it like it did. I’m pretty sure the footage never even got released- but a few months later- I was getting paid gigs. They didn’t pay a ton- and they weren’t consistent enough to really cover my life- but I kept at it. I kept my schedule open, I said yes, I hustled online, I hustled online more, I took more free gigs, I learned how to take my own picture, I decided to go hard with acting again and did every student film I could, I took meetings, I hustled on line more, I taught myself how to edit, I taught myself how to take photos, I went to concerts and took photos and stayed up til 4a to edit the photos so that when the band went to post their “day after” IG post the next morning- they would choose my photos first. I spent hours and hours on instagram liking photos, commenting on accounts, growing my following, answering DMs, replying to every comment. I watched Youtube video after Youtube video and read blog after blog about social media, instagram, algorithms, hashtags, editing… I spent well into the thousands of hours doing therapy and taking classes at my church to locate and handle the mental and spiritual barriers holding me back from success…

I turned down social engagements most of the time, I went home for Christmas once in 10 years, I worked 80 hour weeks most weeks for 10 years too. I never took vacations. I called my dad sobbing to get my lights turned back on (more than once), I lost weight because I couldn’t afford food and was far too proud to ask for help. I went to birthday dinners in thrifted clothing and pretended that the reason I wasn’t getting dinner was because I had already eaten. I used Wi-Fi at the gas station to handle work related texts when my phone got shut off because I couldn’t pay the bill. I had Anxiety Attacks and crawled under desks or into my closet while I hyperventilated and cried. I couldn’t afford to buy my parents gifts on their birthday. I had a man buy me gas on Christmas one year, when he noticed I was only putting $1 on the counter. And this wasn’t just some cute struggle that went on for a few months- this was years. But every time I would stare down into the future of what would happen if I gave up- I would think, “I can get a normal job and still get fired so I better just make this work.” I honestly knew, in my heart, that my only option was to make it work. And I can also say in full honesty- that despite any barrier or struggle I was ever enduring, my journey to create art and find my own way on my own terms has always brought me more joy and personal pride than anything else ever could. So many of the things that make others feel “safe” feel like death to me. What good is a life of “security” if you’re half dead inside?

I used to do outreach work at my church and talk with strangers about their problems. I would look people in the eyes and ask them what they would dream for if there was no obstacle in their way- most of them simply wanted a home that belonged to them or other such fundamentals of life that so many of us take for granted. And I think that one thing that so many of us in the arts and entrepreneurial world take for granted- is our ability to even have a dream. Many people are so embroiled in the struggle of this life- that they don’t even know what that’s like.

So if you have a dream- hold on to it. See it for the privilege and responsibility that it is. Don’t drink it away, don’t Netflix it away. Don’t give it up to negative people, or bad relationships, or your need to please people with an opinion about you. Don’t loose it because you can’t confront the self work and difficult self improvement and personal change that is required to make it happen. Don’t lose it to fear, or laziness, or self doubt or lack of work ethic. Don’t loose it because you have failed once or twice or a hundred times.

All those successes- that’s God saying “I believe in you- this is FOR you” All those failures- that is God asking you, “do you want this?” and when you really do- you say “yes” and keep going.

And if you’ve gotten this far and you’re still reading this- I hope you needed this today. I hope this gives you what you needed to hang in there and keep going- or get’s you to knock off some stupid shit or bad people you’ve been holding onto and thrive into the future. Your life is truly anything and everything that you want it to become- provided that you actually take responsibility for it and DO the work. I love you. Go Thrive.